BONUS EPISODE 6: Elves (1989)

HO HO HO! We hope each and every one of you fiends had a great Christmas.
To polish off the holidays in a merry fashion, we decided to do a Bonus Episode on a Bad Movie Sunday recommendation, the 1989 flick, Elves.

Kirsten hates Christmas. So much so, that her and her friends, who’ve dubbed themselves “The Sisters of Anti-Christmas” perform a ritual to ruin Christmas. But unbeknownst to them, they actually performed a Nazi spell, calling forth an elf who is on a mission to impregnate a woman in an attempt to create a super-race of people who will take over the world. Makes sense right?

Listen up as we discuss the weird incestuous vibes this movie puts out, Grizzly Adam’s upsetting lack of Santa attire, and the truly insane last words of our “final” girl. Enjoy!

Also, episode 100 is just around the corner, so please feel free to reach out to us with thoughts of what we should watch watch, or give us fun stuff to read on the air!

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Episode 99: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (2000)

Merry Christmas, gentlefolk!
We’re deep in the holiday spirit here at Second Class Cinema, and Tom’s pick for the week says it all. We watched yet another weird Canadian animated Christmas film, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

This film covers the age-old Christmas tropes of greed, capitalism and hit and runs. No one in the Spankenheimer family believes Jake, when on Christmas eve, he tells them that he saw Grandma get run over by Santa’s sleigh. Nine months pass, with no word from Grandma, and surprisingly no one seems to give a shit. That is, until Jake’s gold-digging cousin Mel tricks Grampa into signing over the family store, which Mel intends to sell to the CEO of a giant corporation. Jake realizes it’s up to him to email Santa and venture to the North Pole to bring back Grandma, in one last attempt to save the family business.

This movie makes some interesting creative choices, to say the least. Listen up as we discuss Grampa’s senility, Santa’s secret dungeon, and how Grandma is likely a young, hot, were-reindeer. Merry Christmas!


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Episode 98: Clownhouse (1989)

Whose house? Clownhouse!

That’s right folks, we’re back at it this week with another super slimy movie to review, all for your enjoyment. It was Brittany’s turn to pick this week, and yet again, she could not escape her prediliction for films made in 1989. We watched Clownhouse, and it was… weird.

Casey is the baby of the family, and his brothers Geoffrey and Randy definitely don’t let him forget it. When we meet Casey, he is just waking up from a terrifying nightmare about clowns, during which he subsequently wets the bed. We learn this is a reoccuring event for him. Wanting to break Casey out of his phobia, his mother forces the boys to go to a carnival while she is out of town. The carnival goes about as well as expected, and they continue to tease Casey about being such a baby. Little do they know, there was a breakout at a local asylum that very day, and there were now three lunatics disguised as clowns preparing to pay the boys a visit…

This film is, in a word, grimy. If you know anything about it’s director- human trash can, Victor Salva- or the scandal surrounding this movie, this opinion won’t come as a big surprise. BUT, while we do touch upon it briefly, we tried to really judge this flick based on it’s own merits. We discuss how Sam Rockwell has been killing it since day one, the bogus house rules this mom has put forth, and how much we wish this insane clown posse had speaking lines. Listen up!


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Episode 97: Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

APOLOGIES, for our lengthy and unannounced absence, Citizens!
The last month has been a doozy and we had to take an unplanned break due to purchasing real-estate, sickness, ailments, Pokemon cards… the works. But we’re finally back this week with a fucking weird movie, which, of course, Jim joined us to watch.

This week Erik picked the 1989 cyber-punk, body-horror insanity that is Tetsuo: The Iron Man. Apparently this film is about a metal fetishist who is hit by a car and left for dead by the main character- known only as “Man”. The fetishist then seeks revenge by slowly causing the “Man” to grow random parts and appendages made of metal… Slowly turning him INTO metal.

Listen up as we try to discuss this truly bizarre film… We try to mask our confusion by struggling to discuss the plot, and having a grunting contest.

Listen up!

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Episode 96: Blood Games (1990)

Happy October!

Tom picked the flick this week, and he thought the premise of a women’s baseball team lost in the woods with deranged killers sounded like a real home run (I’m sorry)… Our friend Aaron stopped by the studio to help us dissect this bloody baseball debacle.

When a group of drunken rednecks lose a baseball game to a traveling team of buxom babes, they are incensed, but get over it rather quickly. That is all short-lived however, when one of their own, Mino, tries to stiff the baseball coach out of $1000 he owes him over a bet on the game. Things escalate quickly, resulting in the accidental death of Mino’s son, Roy. Mino resorts to full-on Vietnam flashback mode, calling for the girls deaths, and offering $1000 per head. The race is on, can Babe and the Ball Girls escape this hillbilly nightmare unscathed, or are they all doomed to die in the woods?

In this episode we discuss our satisfaction with the death scenes, ponder the inexplicable decision made by Mino to pay $9,000 for 9 dead women instead of the paltry $1K he originally owed, and we cover just a ton of straight up grab-ass.

Unfortunately, this was not quite the splatter-fest we were hoping to grace you all with for October. But how did it measure up in every other regard?

Listen up!


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Episode 95: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

Happy October y’all!

We tried to bring you a horror review this week, in celebration of this most magnificent month… But it didn’t QUITE pan out that way. Our friend Tyler graced us with his presence for Brit’s pick this week, and she picked 1979’s, Don’t Go In The House.

Donny is a very quiet and withdrawn man who, seemingly, does not have a lot of friends or interests outside of taking care of his elderly, ailing mother. It isn’t long before we learn about how overbearing and abusive his mother was, as we’re shown her holding his arms above a lit stove in an attempt to burn the evil out of him. After a particularly dramatic workday, Donny returns to their home, only to discover that his mother had passed away during the day. Donny is pumped, and celebrates by cranking the music, smoking cigarettes in the house, and jumping all over the furniture. His excitement is cut short however, by a sinister voice in his head, a voice that is telling him to go out and punish evil women… To burn the evil out of them.
Will someone put a stop to Donny before it’s too late? Or will Donny and his flamethrower reign in terror as they purify the masses?

This movie promised us a madman terrorizing women with a flamethrower… Did it deliver? We discuss our varying ideas of what it means to “terrorize”, everyones inability to Stop-Drop & Roll, and the overbearing-mama-trauma that creates psychos. Listen up!


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Episode 94: The Refrigerator (1991)

Welcome back!

This week we were joined by a first-time guest- our friend and professional funny-lady, Liz Moniz. We even let her pick the flick! Liz had told us about this really strange movie she had watched with her Dad when she was a kid, a movie about a possessed refrigerator that eats people… So naturally we wanted to watch this ASAP. It took two years, but we done did it!

This movie follows a couple, Eileen and Steve, who have just relocated to NYC from Ohio, presumably in pursuit of Eileen’s dream of becoming a Broadway star. The two get a deal on a shabby apartment and quickly set about turning it into a home. Soon thereafter, the couple is visited by a seemingly crazy neighbor who warns them about previous tenants disappearing and other strange goings-on in the apartment. It’s not long before Eileen and Steve are plagued by nightmares and visions involving the refrigerator, and soon people they know begin disappearing as well. Who can quell the refrigerators demonic hunger?!

We cover a plethora of relevant topics in this week’s discussion- including gourmet cheeses, mother/daughter sexual tension, the lack of gore, and the least believable thing about this movie: $200 a month rent.

Listen up!

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This is the closest thing I could find for a trailer in about 3 minutes so here!

Episode 93: No Retreat No Surrender (1986)

Welcome back!
It was Erik’s turn to pick the flick this week, and he graced us with the 1986 teen karate movie, No Retreat, No Surrender- which (barely) stars Jean-Claude Van Damme in his second credited role. Bad Movie Sunday (@BadMovieSunday1) recommended this to us a while ago, and we are sooo glad we finally got around to it…

When the mob tries to strong-arm Tom into selling his dojo- which they plan to use as a front for their criminal activity- Tom resists and is badly beaten. He quickly decides to close the business, and relocates his family from sunny Los Angeles, all the way to Seattle. Injured and defeated, Tom swears off fighting for good. However, it’s not quite as easy for his son, Jason. Jason makes an enemy on their first day in the new neighborhood, which in turn ignites a rivalry between himself and the local dojo. With nowhere to turn, Jason prays to his idol, Bruce Lee for guidance… After which, the ghost of Bruce Lee promptly appears before him, ready to teach all of his martial arts secrets. CUE DOPE TRAINING MONTAGE!
Will Jason be able to harness the power he needs to get the girl, win over the dojo, and get revenge for his father by defeating the deadly Ivan Kraschinsky? Only one way to find out!

We spend a little time comparing this movie to the likes of Sidekicks, Breathing Fire, etc. We also discuss the sweet martial arts in this movie, how this was originally meant to be a porno flick, and why Jason’s dad is such a little bitch. Listen up!


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The B-Movie Experience