Episode 101: Welcome to Planet Earth (1996)

WELCOME TA EARF!

We were joined this week by our good friend (and local comic), Rob Pierce! He graced us- not only with his presence- but with a truly enjoyable second-class gem: Welcome to Planet Earth.

Our story begins with Joseph! Having just inherited his deceased mother’s boarding house in a dangerous urban neighborhood, he’s short on cash and desperate to find some tenants as soon as possible. Lucky for him, that very evening Charlie, Rhonda and their daughter Daphne show up on his doorstep- looking like they just stepped out of a Normal Rockwell painting, and needing a place to rent. At first it seems too good to be true, rich white folks with money to burn, who are all too pleased that Joseph wants to bang their daughter. But are they what they seem? Or are they aliens vacationing on Earth, here to take in all the sights and vigilante justice the inner-city has to offer? Only time will tell!

Welcome to Planet Earth stars George Wendt and Shanna Reed, and is truly a bizarre and unique film. We discuss this movie’s oddly adept social commentary and clever dialogue, the sexiness of violent women, and why Joseph’s mom loves singing in the graveyard.

Special Guest: Rob Pierce

Listen up!

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Episode 100: Horror House on Highway Five (1985)

Hot damn y’all, it’s our 100th Episode!

Thanks to all of you who have somehow stumbled upon us and continue to listen to our ridiculous banter. We’re so happy other people love these misfit films and want to celebrate them the same way we do- in a mockingly critical and often obnoxious manner. Especially when we’ve dropped off the earth for a while due to life, and you all still hit us up with new film recommendations and discussions on older episodes. We know we’ve been gone for a while, thanks for not making it weird. Also, thanks to all our friends, on this episode and every other, who are always down to watch bad movies and share their love and knowledge of trash cinema with us. We love you all.

For this super special occasion, we were joined by not one, not, two, not, three, but FOUR friends from previous episodes who came over to watch this flick with us… and for the first time ever we recorded a commentary during the movie (download the commentary here)! Tyler, Fallon, Gray and Aaron all came by to watch the newly restored Horror House on Highway Five, which we recently purchased from Vinegar Sydrome (you can purchase it here if you want to watch along with the commentary, or just in general: https://vinegarsyndrome.com/shop/horror-house-on-highway-5/ ). It was interesting, to say the least.

The synopsis of this film would tell you that it’s about a crazed psychopath who stalks the streets, wearing a Richard Nixon mask, murdering helpless victims… but is it really? We had a lot of fun trying to break down the various threads of story in this film, which weren’t always coherent… But hey, this is the second movie we watched recently that’s featured random Nazi -occult subplots! Also, ferns!

Enjoy!

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Last chance to download the commentary track

BONUS EPISODE 6: Elves (1989)

HO HO HO! We hope each and every one of you fiends had a great Christmas.
To polish off the holidays in a merry fashion, we decided to do a Bonus Episode on a Bad Movie Sunday recommendation, the 1989 flick, Elves.

Kirsten hates Christmas. So much so, that her and her friends, who’ve dubbed themselves “The Sisters of Anti-Christmas” perform a ritual to ruin Christmas. But unbeknownst to them, they actually performed a Nazi spell, calling forth an elf who is on a mission to impregnate a woman in an attempt to create a super-race of people who will take over the world. Makes sense right?

Listen up as we discuss the weird incestuous vibes this movie puts out, Grizzly Adam’s upsetting lack of Santa attire, and the truly insane last words of our “final” girl. Enjoy!

Also, episode 100 is just around the corner, so please feel free to reach out to us with thoughts of what we should watch watch, or give us fun stuff to read on the air!

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Episode 99: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (2000)

Merry Christmas, gentlefolk!
We’re deep in the holiday spirit here at Second Class Cinema, and Tom’s pick for the week says it all. We watched yet another weird Canadian animated Christmas film, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

This film covers the age-old Christmas tropes of greed, capitalism and hit and runs. No one in the Spankenheimer family believes Jake, when on Christmas eve, he tells them that he saw Grandma get run over by Santa’s sleigh. Nine months pass, with no word from Grandma, and surprisingly no one seems to give a shit. That is, until Jake’s gold-digging cousin Mel tricks Grampa into signing over the family store, which Mel intends to sell to the CEO of a giant corporation. Jake realizes it’s up to him to email Santa and venture to the North Pole to bring back Grandma, in one last attempt to save the family business.

This movie makes some interesting creative choices, to say the least. Listen up as we discuss Grampa’s senility, Santa’s secret dungeon, and how Grandma is likely a young, hot, were-reindeer. Merry Christmas!


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Episode 98: Clownhouse (1989)

Whose house? Clownhouse!

That’s right folks, we’re back at it this week with another super slimy movie to review, all for your enjoyment. It was Brittany’s turn to pick this week, and yet again, she could not escape her prediliction for films made in 1989. We watched Clownhouse, and it was… weird.

Casey is the baby of the family, and his brothers Geoffrey and Randy definitely don’t let him forget it. When we meet Casey, he is just waking up from a terrifying nightmare about clowns, during which he subsequently wets the bed. We learn this is a reoccuring event for him. Wanting to break Casey out of his phobia, his mother forces the boys to go to a carnival while she is out of town. The carnival goes about as well as expected, and they continue to tease Casey about being such a baby. Little do they know, there was a breakout at a local asylum that very day, and there were now three lunatics disguised as clowns preparing to pay the boys a visit…

This film is, in a word, grimy. If you know anything about it’s director- human trash can, Victor Salva- or the scandal surrounding this movie, this opinion won’t come as a big surprise. BUT, while we do touch upon it briefly, we tried to really judge this flick based on it’s own merits. We discuss how Sam Rockwell has been killing it since day one, the bogus house rules this mom has put forth, and how much we wish this insane clown posse had speaking lines. Listen up!


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Episode 97: Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

APOLOGIES, for our lengthy and unannounced absence, Citizens!
The last month has been a doozy and we had to take an unplanned break due to purchasing real-estate, sickness, ailments, Pokemon cards… the works. But we’re finally back this week with a fucking weird movie, which, of course, Jim joined us to watch.

This week Erik picked the 1989 cyber-punk, body-horror insanity that is Tetsuo: The Iron Man. Apparently this film is about a metal fetishist who is hit by a car and left for dead by the main character- known only as “Man”. The fetishist then seeks revenge by slowly causing the “Man” to grow random parts and appendages made of metal… Slowly turning him INTO metal.

Listen up as we try to discuss this truly bizarre film… We try to mask our confusion by struggling to discuss the plot, and having a grunting contest.

Listen up!

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Episode 96: Blood Games (1990)

Happy October!

Tom picked the flick this week, and he thought the premise of a women’s baseball team lost in the woods with deranged killers sounded like a real home run (I’m sorry)… Our friend Aaron stopped by the studio to help us dissect this bloody baseball debacle.

When a group of drunken rednecks lose a baseball game to a traveling team of buxom babes, they are incensed, but get over it rather quickly. That is all short-lived however, when one of their own, Mino, tries to stiff the baseball coach out of $1000 he owes him over a bet on the game. Things escalate quickly, resulting in the accidental death of Mino’s son, Roy. Mino resorts to full-on Vietnam flashback mode, calling for the girls deaths, and offering $1000 per head. The race is on, can Babe and the Ball Girls escape this hillbilly nightmare unscathed, or are they all doomed to die in the woods?

In this episode we discuss our satisfaction with the death scenes, ponder the inexplicable decision made by Mino to pay $9,000 for 9 dead women instead of the paltry $1K he originally owed, and we cover just a ton of straight up grab-ass.

Unfortunately, this was not quite the splatter-fest we were hoping to grace you all with for October. But how did it measure up in every other regard?

Listen up!


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Episode 95: Don’t Go In The House (1980)

Happy October y’all!

We tried to bring you a horror review this week, in celebration of this most magnificent month… But it didn’t QUITE pan out that way. Our friend Tyler graced us with his presence for Brit’s pick this week, and she picked 1979’s, Don’t Go In The House.

Donny is a very quiet and withdrawn man who, seemingly, does not have a lot of friends or interests outside of taking care of his elderly, ailing mother. It isn’t long before we learn about how overbearing and abusive his mother was, as we’re shown her holding his arms above a lit stove in an attempt to burn the evil out of him. After a particularly dramatic workday, Donny returns to their home, only to discover that his mother had passed away during the day. Donny is pumped, and celebrates by cranking the music, smoking cigarettes in the house, and jumping all over the furniture. His excitement is cut short however, by a sinister voice in his head, a voice that is telling him to go out and punish evil women… To burn the evil out of them.
Will someone put a stop to Donny before it’s too late? Or will Donny and his flamethrower reign in terror as they purify the masses?

This movie promised us a madman terrorizing women with a flamethrower… Did it deliver? We discuss our varying ideas of what it means to “terrorize”, everyones inability to Stop-Drop & Roll, and the overbearing-mama-trauma that creates psychos. Listen up!


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The B-Movie Experience