From the classic thumbs of Siskel and Ebert to the modern Tomatometer aggregation system of Rotten Tomatoes, sometimes the way a movie is rated is more important than the rating itself. When it came time for us to decide how we wanted to rate the myriad of movies we watch, we quickly got bored and said “fuck it.” Thus, the fuck scale was born! All ratings are valid, as long as it is phrased in the form of a fuck. There are some frequently recurring ratings that generally indicate whether a movie is worth your time or not:
Fuck Yeah!
Movies that receive any Fuck Yeah ratings are generally great entry points for someone interested in B-movies, but who doesn’t know where to start. Most are marked for general watchability, unique premise, and excellent technical execution. However, a fuck yeah can be sometimes given to a movie that is by all accounts awful, but fails in such a spectacular way that it becomes incredibly fun to watch. A movie where every host agrees that a Fuck Yeah is warranted ascends to a Fuck Yeah Fuckin’ Sweep, and should be considered a true B-movie classic.
Examples of movies receiving Fuck Yeah ratings:
Revenge of the Ninja (excels within its genre)
Miami Connection (an incredibly silly, fun movie)
May (genuinely good movie)
Breathing Fire (unexpected fun)
Fuck Off.
Much like the guy who takes the last slice of pizza without asking, we don’t actually wish grave harm upon these movies- we just want them Fuck Off. These movies are not bad, but aren’t ones we would want to revisit and are generally hampered by slow pacing, unamusing technical execution, and uninspired premise. Those interested in the given genre will probably get some amusement out of these movies, but we would recommend judicious fast forwarding and some cheap vodka before embarking on a Fuck Off film. In some ways these are the worst offenders as they give us the least to talk about.
Examples of movies receiving Fuck Off ratings:
The Rats (a bad movie that still happened to inspire a good discussion)
Surf Ninjas (uneven comedy)
The Neil Breen Spectacular (strange movies that have some appeal in their low quality)
She (not good/not bad)
Fuck You!
Our time has been wasted and we want to express our anger at those involved with the production of the movie, so to them we say Fuck You! Movies generally only receive Fuck You ratings for having terrible technical quality, abysmal pacing, and having nothing of note to offer either genuinely or ironically. One very consistent quality of movies that get Fuck You ratings is deceptive marketing- if a movie’s marketing tries to pass itself off as being something we should be excited to watch and we get something much worse, it’s very likely to receive a Fuck You. A movie where every host agrees that a Fuck You is warranted gets the rare honor of appearing on the Fuck You Shit List. Movies on the Shit List should not be given the time of day. We tend to be pretty reserved in handing these out, so you know these are real stinkers.
Examples of movies receiving Fuck You ratings:
INhuMANity (movie that made us feel weird)
Blade of the Vampire (stupid, cheap, and boring)
Leprechaun: Origins (uninspired, derivative, and deceptive marketing)
WolfCop (unfunny)
Anything else inbetween!
All ratings are valid as long as they are phrased in the form of a fuck. Thus, some other ratings you may hear to lend additional nuance to this system are “Fuck Yes”, “What the Fuck?” and “It was fucking fine”.
