APOLOGIES, for our lengthy and unannounced absence, Citizens!
The last month has been a doozy and we had to take an unplanned break due to purchasing real-estate, sickness, ailments, Pokemon cards… the works. But we’re finally back this week with a fucking weird movie, which, of course, Jim joined us to watch.
This week Erik picked the 1989 cyber-punk, body-horror insanity that is Tetsuo: The Iron Man. Apparently this film is about a metal fetishist who is hit by a car and left for dead by the main character- known only as “Man”. The fetishist then seeks revenge by slowly causing the “Man” to grow random parts and appendages made of metal… Slowly turning him INTO metal.
Listen up as we try to discuss this truly bizarre film… We try to mask our confusion by struggling to discuss the plot, and having a grunting contest.
It was Erik’s turn to pick the flick this week, and he graced us with the 1986 teen karate movie, No Retreat, No Surrender- which (barely) stars Jean-Claude Van Damme in his second credited role. Bad Movie Sunday (@BadMovieSunday1) recommended this to us a while ago, and we are sooo glad we finally got around to it…
When the mob tries to strong-arm Tom into selling his dojo- which they plan to use as a front for their criminal activity- Tom resists and is badly beaten. He quickly decides to close the business, and relocates his family from sunny Los Angeles, all the way to Seattle. Injured and defeated, Tom swears off fighting for good. However, it’s not quite as easy for his son, Jason. Jason makes an enemy on their first day in the new neighborhood, which in turn ignites a rivalry between himself and the local dojo. With nowhere to turn, Jason prays to his idol, Bruce Lee for guidance… After which, the ghost of Bruce Lee promptly appears before him, ready to teach all of his martial arts secrets. CUE DOPE TRAINING MONTAGE!
Will Jason be able to harness the power he needs to get the girl, win over the dojo, and get revenge for his father by defeating the deadly Ivan Kraschinsky? Only one way to find out!
We spend a little time comparing this movie to the likes of Sidekicks, Breathing Fire, etc. We also discuss the sweet martial arts in this movie, how this was originally meant to be a porno flick, and why Jason’s dad is such a little bitch. Listen up!
We’re back at it this week with a pick from Erik, and he selected 1984’s Ninja 3: The Domination. Also, in bizarre, experimental fun, we had our good friend, Victor, join us for the flick this week… and it was his very first B movie experience ever! We had fun destroying his innocence, and discussing this crazy-ass movie.
Ninja 3 follows a young woman named Chris, who is possessed by the spirit of an vengeful ninja, after a fateful encounter right before his death. The Black Ninja uses Chris as a vessel to seek vengeance on the police force that rightfully took his life- nearly destroying hers in the process. Her only hope seems to lie in the hands of the mysterious Yamada (played by Sho Kosugi), who shows up seeking to avenge the death of his master, and the loss of his left eye- both of which the Black Ninja took from him many years ago. Can Yamada exorcize the evil within her and defeat the Black Ninja once and for all?
This movie is a hilarious display of 80’s stereotypes, and we had a great time dissecting them. Also, Victor talks about his first B movie experience, we discuss how to get a date in the 80’s, and whether or not V8 is an aphrodesiac.
We also want to apologize to Bad Movie Sunday, who was planning on covering this flick next. Sorry to steal your thunder! But seriously, WE BLAME ERIK!
We’re back this week with Erik’s pick, 1974’s Blaxploitation/thriller, Three the Hard Way. We aren’t super experienced in the genre, so we figured we’d dive in and see if it tickled our fancy. Results: Some fancies were definitely tickled.
Three the Hard Way follows three friends- Jimmy, Jagger, and Mister Keyes -as they try to foil mass-genocide plotted out by a secret society of white supremacists.
After escaping from a secret compound -in which he was subjected to torturous experiments- Jim’s friend, House, struggles to make his way to safety and alert the world to the atrocities happening there. House tells Jim about the compound, it’s leader (the evil Monroe Feather), and their diabolical plan to wipe out millions of the world’s population, using biological warfare specially designed to target people of color. With the help of his friends Jagger and Mister Keyes, Jim plans to infiltrate the compound and stop the neo-nazis once and for all.
Karate, leather suits, and honkies getting thrown out of moving vehicles… This flick gave us a bunch of stuff to be happy about. BUT, who would we be without a few minor complaints?
We’re settling into Space Month nicely here at Second Class Cinema. For the entire month of April we’ll be exploring different film series’ that (bafflingly) decided to take their franchise into outer space. We kicked it off last week with Leprechaun 4: In Space- which, despite it’s fantastically boring title, we somehow expected to be better.
A few months ago, when we watched our first James Bond movie (Never Say Never Again (right click and save)) our good friend, Tyler, joined us. So it was only fitting that he join us again for this week’s viewing of the 1979 Bond flick, Moonraker.
Moonraker follows James Bond on his mostly boring and confusing mission of uncovering what happened to a missing US space shuttle. All evidence leads to Drax Industries, and we follow Bond from Italy, to Rio, to… Somewhere else in Brazil, to OUTER SPACE. Turns out, Hugo Drax wants to poison everyone on Earth and then repopulate it with his own creepy super-race that he’s developing on his stolen space shuttle. He’s like Jim Jones, but with zero charisma and the face of Peter Dinklage and Oliver Platt’s love-child. Try to unsee that, I dare you. CAN BOND STOP HIM IN TIME?! The answer will not surprise you.
As always, the room was split between Bond fans, Erik and Tyler, and Bond newbies, Tom and Brittany- but the rating on this one was unanimous. Listen up as we discuss the hierarchy of Bonds, Roger Moore and his starring mole, and Holly Goodhead’s non-existent emotional range.
It was Erik’s pick this week and he picked the 1994 horrorish, comedyish movie Brainscan! We had Aaron on for this one and we DIDN’T get really drunk. Depending on how you look at it, could go either way.
This week on SCC we are celebrating the birthday of our very own Erik. What a joy.
And what better way to celebrate a birthday, than to watch a movie in which Gene Simmons stars as a hermaphroditic, lounge-singing super villain! It was Erik’s pick this week, and he picked the 1986 action flick, Never Too Young To Die, starring John Stamos, Gene Simmons, and Vanity (RIP, as of today, oddly enough).
This flick follows Lance Stargrove as he transitions from meek college gymnast, to full-blown action hero in just over 90 minutes. Lance’s father is killed while on a super secret mission to stop the ruthless Ragnar from poisoning the cities water supply, leaving Lance no choice but to complete the mission. With the help of fellow agent, Danja – and the occasional wacky gagdet from his college friend, Cliff- Lance sets off to stop Ragnar once and for all.
This movie is a veritable trove of so many things you never knew you needed. John Stamos cocking a shotgun? Check. Gene Simmons gyrating in a bustier? Check. Defective rocket-launchers, Gene and John on the verge of making out, sexually repressed fruit-eating? Check, check, check! Listen up!
At SCC this week, we finally got to watch a film we have been eager to see for a while… It was Erik’s pick, and he chose 2013’s Deadliest Prey- the follow-up to 1987’s cult-classic action flick, Deadly Prey.
In the original film, we follow Mike Danton- Vietnam vet, and all-around American badass- as he’s kidnapped and forced to be the “prey” for a group of ruthless mercenaries in training, led by madman Colonel Hogan. To make a totally awesome long story short: they kill Danton’s wife, he destroys them all, Hogan goes to prison, the end.
Or is it?
This movie picks up 25 years later, as Hogan is about to be released from prison. Suffice to say, he has not been reformed. In fact, he’s spent the last 25 years plotting the ultimate revenge on Danton- kidnapping him, and once again plunging him into a deadly hunting game… Because apparently Hogan didn’t learn his lesson the first time? Will Mike outsmart his hunters once again, and be able to save his family this time? Will he wear cutoff denim shorts to show off the fact that he totally never skips leg day? WILL THE MADNESS NEVER END?!
Join us on this episode as we discuss modernizing cult-classics, diaper-wearing bimbos, and whether or not we will see a third Deadly Prey film.